Why Shame After Divorce Still Finds You, Years Later
Updated: Oct 31
Shame hides in the dark. Here’s how it starts to lose its power.
She has been divorced for years. Her family knows. Her friends know.
She has rebuilt her life, piece by piece.
And still, every time a form asks for her marital status, her pen hovers over one word: Divorced.
Her cheeks burn. Her chest tightens. For a moment, she is back at the beginning.
That is shame after divorce. And it never asks permission.
Why shame after divorce cuts so deep
Psychologist June Tangney has spent decades studying the difference between guilt and shame. “When we feel shame,” she explains, “we feel bad about ourselves.” Guilt, in contrast, “focuses on a behaviour somewhat separate from the self.”
In our lives, it sounds like this:
Guilt says, "I hurt my parents when I left."
Shame says, "I am the daughter who brought disgrace on my family."
Guilt can be repaired. You can apologise, explain, or make amends. Shame attaches to who you are. That is why it cuts so deep, and why Tangney’s research links shame, far more than guilt, to anxiety and depression.
Shame hides in the dark
Shame grows where it isn’t spoken. In the family that still hasn’t told the relatives. In the woman who changes the subject at every wedding. In the box, she ticks quickly and never mentions.
Psychologist James Pennebaker’s research shows that people who keep painful experiences hidden tend to have more health problems, and that putting those experiences into words, even just on paper, improves health and well-being. As he wrote:
"Health gains appear to require translating experiences into language." - James Pennebaker, PhD
Where shame shows up
Shame rarely arrives when you expect it. It waits in ordinary moments.
A wedding invitation, and the dread, deep inside of you, of who you’ll stand beside in the photos.
Diwali or Eid, when the house fills with relatives and someone asks, “And where is he this year?”
A school form with a space for the father’s details.
The family WhatsApp group that went quiet the day your news was shared.
A new colleague asks, innocently, “Are you married?”
Your own child asking why things are different now.
Each moment lasts a few seconds. The shame can stay for days.
And often, it isn’t only yours. So many women I work with are carrying shame that was handed to them: by parents worried about their standing, by relatives who whisper instead of asking, by a community that hasn’t yet made space for women like us.
You can feel that shame in your body and still recognise that much of it was never yours.
Bring it into the light
Shame hides in the dark. When you bring it into the light, by speaking about it somewhere you feel safe, it slowly loses its power over you.
Not to everyone. Not all at once. Perhaps one trusted friend. Perhaps a page in a notebook.
Perhaps a room full of women who understand without you having to explain.
One question to sit with this week:
Where does shame still find you, and who is one safe person you could say it to?
Shame hides in the dark. In the light, it loses its power.
With you,
Monica
P.S. On Thursday, 26 November at 7 pm (AEDT), I’m running a free, confidential online workshop: What Will People Say? Why the shame of divorce hurts so much, and how to stop it from running your life. I'd love you to join me.
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