Overthinking After Divorce

Why Your Mind Won’t Stop and How to Stop Spiralling

You’re not doing it wrong. Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe

Have you ever replayed the same conversation a hundred times after divorce, wondering what you could have done differently?

Or lay awake asking yourself, “What if I had tried harder? Said less? Left sooner?”

If so, you’re not alone.

Overthinking after a divorce is incredibly common.

It’s not just a mental habit.

It’s a nervous system response.

A trauma response.

A way to make sense of a storm that no longer has a centre.

Why Overthinking Happens

1. It’s Your Brain Trying to Protect You

After emotional upheaval, the brain craves certainty.

When love ends, the story we told ourselves about the future collapses.

Overthinking is your brain’s way of trying to put the puzzle back together.

Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of Attached, explain that the attachment system becomes hyperactive when connection is lost.

We search for patterns, mistakes, or missed signals in an attempt to feel safe again.

2. Your Nervous System is On High Alert

According to Polyvagal Theory, when the body doesn’t feel safe, the mind gets stuck in loops.

You might be experiencing a freeze or fawn trauma response, where instead of taking action, your system over-functions mentally.

“When the nervous system doesn’t feel safe, the mind won’t stop spinning.” - Deb Dana

3. Shame and Self-Blame Loops

Many women internalise the failure of the relationship, even when it wasn’t their fault.

You may feel shame for not leaving sooner or guilt for leaving at all.

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” - Dr. Brené Brown

And that corrosion feeds the spiral.

How to Calm the Storm

Here are three gentle, proven ways to ease the mental spirals:

1. Name the Loop

Say out loud:

“I’m overthinking because I feel unsafe, not because something is wrong with me.”

Naming it helps shift you from identifying with the thought to observing it.

2. Come Back to the Body

Try grounding techniques like:

- The 5-4-3-2-1 method (5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.)

- Butterfly tapping

- Gentle hand-over-heart breathing.

When your mind is overactive, your body can become the anchor.

3. Rebuild Inner Trust

Ask yourself:

“What am I afraid will happen if I stop thinking about this?”

“If I fully trusted myself, what would I do right now?”

This is the work we do in my Reclaim YOU Group Coaching Program where we heal the relationship with yourself, one layer at a time.

When you trust yourself again, you stop needing to figure everything out.

Final Thoughts

If your mind has been running in circles since the relationship ended, please know this:

You’re not broken. You’re overwhelmed.

Overthinking is not who you are.

It’s what your system does when it doesn’t feel safe.

Let’s change that. Together.

Join the Reclaim YOU Group Coaching Program

If you're ready to stop spiralling and start healing —

I invite you to join Reclaim YOU.

Inside this 8-week group experience, I’ll guide you through:

- Nervous system regulation

- Rebuilding inner trust

- Reclaiming your voice

- Finding clarity in moving forward

You’ll move from confusion to calm, from self-doubt to self-trust.

Spots are limited. Click here to join or learn more.

I’m Monica Kalra, a certified relationship and divorce coach, author of two award-winning books and a speaker. I help professional women who feel disconnected, silenced, or lost in their relationships rebuild inner trust, rediscover their voice, and recreate their lives - before, during, and after divorce.