Afraid of What Comes Next? Your Fear of Divorce Isn’t Weakness.
Why you can know it’s over and still not be able to move on, and what the fear is really protecting.
She knows it’s over. She has known it for a long time. And still, she can’t take that next step.
At 2 am, she’s thinking about:
— “What will happen to the children?”
— “How will I ever afford the rent on my own?”
— “What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?”
— “Will I be able to stand on my own?”
Grief, anger, relief, worry and guilt grip her all at once. Guilt for wanting out. Guilt for not being able to leave.
If that is you, you are not weak. You are afraid, and there is a reason.
One woman’s fear of separation and divorce
A woman I know well once told me what kept her frozen. She was afraid of losing her child in a custody battle. Afraid of telling her parents, and of her father’s anger. Afraid of the word itself: divorcee.
She had grown up on Bollywood films where the divorced woman was always the warning: alone, pitied, whispered about. No one had ever shown her a divorced woman who was flourishing. So, she assumed she wouldn’t be either.
Every one of her fears was protecting something: her child, her place in her family, her sense of who she was.
Why you freeze
Neuroscientist Stephen Porges, who developed Polyvagal Theory, puts it simply:
Our nervous system is always trying to figure out a way for us to survive, to be safe. — Stephen Porges, PhD
When the threat feels too big, the body doesn’t always fight or run. Sometimes it freezes. Porges calls these survival strategies “adaptive.” So, if you can’t take that next step, it isn’t a lack of willpower. It’s your body trying to keep you safe.
The fear no one warns you about
We assume our family will stand with us. For some South Asian women, family is the first to step away. The taunts at gatherings. The remarks that cut, because now “she doesn’t have a man behind her.”
If that has happened to you, it says more about the beliefs they carry than about your worth.
Why the fear of divorce feels so big
Some of the fear of divorce is about real things. University of Melbourne researchers Dr Barbara Broadway and Professor Guyonne Kalb found that after separation, women’s household income falls by almost 30% on average, compared with about 5% for men. If money keeps you awake, you are not being dramatic.
But fear is always biggest in the fog. The mind fills every unknown with the worst ending. Fear shrinks when the unknown becomes known: what you actually have, and what your rights actually are. In Australia, for example, you must be separated for 12 months before applying for divorce, and you can be separated while still living under the same roof. Most women don’t know that until someone tells them.
Facts won’t make the decision easy. But they turn a monster into a list, and a list is something you can work through.
What strong looks like
Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, wrote:
The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow. — Susan Jeffers, PhD
Strong doesn’t mean being fearless. The fear doesn’t disappear. It gets quieter, its intensity reduces over time through small steps:
— Joining a class, just for herself.
— Driving home alone at night for the first time.
— Booking a therapist, sometimes in secret, because in many of our families, seeing one for help is still seen as shameful.
Each step that she survives becomes evidence: I can do this.
Two questions for this week
1. If I named my biggest fear in one sentence, what would it be?
2. What is that fear trying to protect?
You don’t push through the fear. You grow until it is smaller than you are.
With you,
Monica
P.S. I’m opening 3 spots for Phase One of Reclaim You this month: three private 1:1 sessions to help you stop the spiral and find your footing again. It’s completely confidential, and a payment plan is available. If you’d like to know more, send me a message or book a free, confidential call, and mention “Phase One.”
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