When You Become the Mum in the Relationship And He Becomes the Child

It didn’t start this way. But somewhere along the way, it became your normal.

You didn’t set out to be his mum.

You wanted a relationship.

A teammate.

A best friend.

A co-pilot through life.

But over time, you noticed…

You were the one holding everything up.

You were making the decisions.

Calming the storms.

Bridging the emotional gaps.

Carrying the mental load.

And making excuses for why he couldn’t or wouldn’t meet you halfway.

You thought:

“Maybe I’m just better at handling things.”

“He’s been through a lot, I need to be patient.”

“It’s easier if I just do it myself.”

But inside, a quiet resentment was growing.

And deep down, a heartbreaking realisation was forming:

You weren’t a partner anymore.

You’d become the mum.

How does this happen?

This dynamic doesn’t usually begin with bad intentions.

It unfolds quietly, over months or years.

👉 Maybe he was passive. You stepped in to keep things moving.

👉 Maybe he avoided hard conversations. You softened your voice and tiptoed.

👉 Maybe he shut down. So you became louder, clearer, more responsible.

This is how over-functioning starts and it’s almost always rooted in fear.

“When one person over-functions, the other under-functions. It’s a relational dance — not a personal flaw.”— Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Connection

You learned to do more…

To feel safe.

To keep things together.

To avoid being too much or needing too much.

The psychological cost?

It’s not just exhaustion.

It’s emotional invisibility.

You lose track of what you want.

You start walking on eggshells.

You feel more like his carer than his equal.

And then you begin to wonder:

“Why doesn’t he lead?”

“Why am I always the strong one?”

“When is it my turn to fall apart?”

Why he couldn’t lead and why it’s not your job to fix it

Many men were never taught emotional leadership.

They may have grown up watching:

❌ Fathers who avoided hard feelings

❌ Mothers who carried the load silently

❌ Cultures that equated vulnerability with weakness

They weren’t handed tools, they were handed silence.

But your relationship is not a rehab centre.

And love is not a never-ending project.

You can have compassion for why he is the way he is.

And still choose not to shrink yourself to make it work.

This is not your failure - it’s your awakening.

It’s the moment you realise:

You’re allowed to want to be met.

You’re allowed to feel safe, seen, and supported.

You’re allowed to stop being the emotional anchor for two.

This isn’t about blame.

It’s about truth.

And the truth is:

✨ You were never meant to carry the weight of two people’s healing.

So where do you go from here?

You come home to yourself.

You learn to:

• Recognise over-functioning as a trauma response, not a personality trait

• Reconnect with your needs and values without guilt

• Reclaim your energy, boundaries, and voice

And that’s where healing begins.

Not by fixing him.

But by no longer abandoning yourself.

💬 If this speaks to you, you’re not alone.

I work with women who feel emotionally tired from always being “the one who holds it all together.”

You deserve more than survival mode.

You deserve to feel like a woman again — not a mum in your relationship.

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