Why “Nice” Isn’t the Same as Kindness (and How It Costs You Confidence)

Nice ≠ Kindness

We’re taught from childhood to “be nice.”

Don’t upset anyone. Don’t make waves. Don’t say what might hurt.

But here’s the truth:

👉 “Nice” isn’t kindness. It’s self-erasure dressed up as goodness.

The Cost of Being “Nice”

“Nice” often means avoiding conflict at your own expense. You swallow your opinions. You smile when you want to speak. You soften your truth to make sure no one feels uncomfortable.

Research shows this comes at a price. Psychologist Dr. Harriet Braiker coined the term disease to please, highlighting how chronic niceness leads to anxiety, resentment, and loss of confidence. In fact, a 2023 study on workplace dynamics found that employees who avoided conflict in the name of “niceness” reported 30% lower confidence in decision-making and significantly higher burnout.

It’s not your imagination. Niceness chips away at self-trust.

Why Kindness is Different

Kindness, on the other hand, is active. It’s truth-telling with compassion. It’s saying: “This matters, and I’ll say it with respect but I won’t disappear to protect your comfort.”

Brené Brown puts it simply:

“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

Being kind doesn’t mean you avoid tension; it means you enter it with honesty and care.

The Mirror vs. the Mask

Think of “nice” as a mask. It looks polished, agreeable, acceptable. But a mask hides your real face. Over time, you forget the features underneath.

Kindness is a mirror. It reflects truth back, even when it shows things you’d rather not see. And in that reflection, real growth takes place.

The Confidence Link

When you choose “nice,” you betray yourself for approval. That betrayal accumulates and suddenly self-doubt feels louder than your voice.

But when you choose kindness, you practice speaking your truth. Each honest word is a vote for self-trust. That’s how confidence grows; not by pleasing, but by staying real.

A Shift to Try

Next time you’re tempted to be “nice,” pause and ask:

• Am I protecting someone else’s comfort at the cost of my own truth?

• What would kindness, not niceness, look like here?

  
  

Your confidence doesn’t come from avoiding edges.

It comes from trusting yourself enough to stand in them.

👉 Niceness keeps you liked. Kindness keeps you trusted by others, and most importantly, by yourself.

Ready to Test Yourself?

If you’ve been wondering why confidence feels shaky, it may not be about capability at all.

It might be about where you’ve been choosing “nice” over truth.

✨ Take my free quiz: What’s Holding You Back From Being Confident?

It only takes 2 minutes and will show you which hidden pattern is keeping you stuck and how to shift it.

P.S. Where in your life are you choosing “nice” over “kind”?