When You Don’t Recognise Yourself Anymore

Losing your identity in a relationship isn’t failure , it’s the moment life invites you back to yourself.

One day, she didn’t recognise the woman she’d become.

She looked at herself in the mirror and thought,

"Who even am I anymore?"

Not in a dramatic way. Not loud.

Just a quiet ache behind the eyes.

Somewhere along the way, she had stopped choosing herself.

And I know she’s not alone.

I hear this story in whispers, in tears, in between coaching calls —women who were strong, thoughtful, full of dreams… now questioning themselves in relationships that once felt like love but now feel like duty, survival, or silence.

Not all at once.

But little by little:

• Saying yes when they meant no.

• Apologising when they hadn’t done anything wrong.

• Dimming their joy to keep someone else comfortable.

• Swallowing their voice to keep the peace.

  
  

It’s a slow disappearance.

And by the time they realise it, they feel like strangers to themselves.

This isn’t weakness.

This isn’t failure.

This is what happens when we’re taught that love means sacrifice.

When being a "good woman" means putting everyone else first.

But what if losing your identity in a relationship isn’t a sign you failed?

What if it’s the moment your life is quietly asking you to come home to yourself?

I remember working with a client who said,"

I don’t know who I am without him. I don’t even know what I like anymore."

She wasn’t broken.

She was brilliant.

She had simply adapted so well, for so long, that she forgot she was allowed to be her own person.

Together, we slowly peeled back the layers:

The guilt.

The people-pleasing.

The fear of being seen as "too much."

And underneath it all?

A woman with deep intuition, fire, softness and a voice that was always there.

Waiting.

This isn’t just her story.

It’s the story of so many women who lost themselves trying to hold everything together.

And this is where the healing begins.

Not by blaming yourself.

But by recognising that your identity was never truly lost,

just buried under years of conditioning and unmet emotional needs.

What you need now isn’t to be louder.

It’s to feel safe enough to be honest.

To reconnect with your voice.

To reclaim your worth.

To rewrite your story.

And no, that doesn’t make you selfish.

It makes you sovereign.

Because your life is allowed to feel like yours again.

Losing yourself isn’t the end of the story.

It’s the beginning of the one you were meant to write.

If this spoke to something deep inside you — and you’re unsure what to do with that…

 I’ve created a free Relationship Clarity video series to help you take the first gentle step back to yourself. You can explore it here, https://www.shevive.com.au/relationship-clarity-series

P.S. Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like you no longer recognise the person staring back at you? What would it feel like to slowly find her again?

I’m Monica Kalra, a certified relationship and divorce coach, author of two award-winning books and a speaker. I help professional women who feel disconnected, silenced, or lost in their relationships rebuild inner trust, rediscover their voice, and redesign their lives - before, during, and after divorce.