When Giving Too Much Becomes a Form of Self-Abandonment

A reflection for women who carry it all, yet feel unseen

She remembered everyone else… until she realised she had forgotten herself.

She was the one who always remembered everyone’s birthdays.

The one who stayed up late to help the children finish the school project.

The one who asked, “Are you okay?” but no one ever asked her.

She gave and gave… until one day, she realised she didn’t know who she was anymore.

What happens when love becomes performance?

So many women I work with tell me the same story; different details, same pain.

They’re not just tired. They’re tired of being the one who holds everything together.

On the outside, they seem strong.

But inside, they’re quietly disappearing.

And here’s the hardest part: most of them don’t even realise they’re overgiving.

Because for years, it was called love.

It was praised as loyalty.

It was taught as what a good woman does.

But overgiving isn’t love.

It’s the slow erosion of self.

“When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Why do so many women overgive?

It’s rarely just about the relationship.

It often goes back further.

🔹 Childhood conditioning - when love was earned through being good, helpful, quiet.

🔹 Anxious attachment patterns - where being needed felt safer than being known.

🔹 Cultural and intergenerational beliefs - where self-sacrifice was seen as strength.

🔹 The fawn trauma response - a nervous system adaptation where we appease to feel safe.

According to Dr. Gabor Maté, when we suppress our own needs to maintain harmony or avoid conflict, it can manifest not just emotionally but physically through anxiety, chronic fatigue, even autoimmune conditions.

We become so attuned to everyone else’s emotions…

that we lose touch with our own.

And the cost?

Resentment.

Loneliness.

A quiet pain for the version of us we abandoned.

Overgiving isn’t generosity, it’s emotional survival

Psychologist Harriet Lerner describes this dynamic as overfunctioning — when one partner takes responsibility for the emotional climate of the relationship, while the other remains disengaged.

This often looks like:

Saying yes when your body says no

Silencing your needs to keep the peace

Feeling guilty for wanting space, rest, or joy

And over time, this doesn’t bring people closer.

It creates a silent emotional debt.

Because one person is always giving… and the other is simply receiving.

“True generosity is rooted in self-awareness. Without boundaries, giving becomes a form of control.” – Brené Brown

So what do you do when you realise… you’re the one overgiving?

You pause.

You notice the patterns.

You ask:

Where am I giving from love and where am I giving from fear of being unloved?

You begin again. This time, with yourself in the equation.

If this feels close to your heart, I’d love to invite you to join my 8-week Reclaim You Coaching Program

It’s a space for women ready to rebuild confidence, rediscover their voice, and come home to themselves — whether you're still in the relationship, leaving it, or healing after it.

👉 Register here

I’m Monica Kalra, a certified relationship and divorce coach, author of two award-winning books and a speaker. I help professional women who feel disconnected, silenced, or lost in their relationships rebuild inner trust, rediscover their voice, and recreate their lives - before, during, and after divorce.